Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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