I want to have your abortion
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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