12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm at about main and main street
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
