if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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