apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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