he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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