GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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