when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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