He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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