just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
