Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
