The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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