I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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