all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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