i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
