tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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