My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
