My nipple is on Facebook.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
