frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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