last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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