I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
