She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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