My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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