Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
