There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
