I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
