and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
