I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
