what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
