I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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