I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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