Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
