I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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