you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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