I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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