At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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