if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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