so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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