Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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