turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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