3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
