I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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