Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
