Where is the hickey?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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