you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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