i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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