he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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