what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
