I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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