Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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