I will die if light touches me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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