saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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