I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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