I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
