Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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