life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
