Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
