She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
